There's nothing left for me in this life...

[MaK10]

haha, just kidding, but for some reason I was thinking about suicide this morning on my way to work. Maybe it was the 124 year old asian woman in front of me going 3 miles an hour while she tried with every bit of strength in her body to move her car from the right lane to the exit ramp, I swear her arms were going to fall off. But she got me to thinking, do I really want to live to be 124 years old? Sure it would be cool to see all the new technology and advancements in science that we will make in the future, but is it worth sitting in a glorified prison and shitting myself? I guess that wouldn't be too bad because I may not know I'm shitting myself and then someone else has to come clean the shit off of my old saggy ass, but then again I could be completely sane still... that could suck, or it could be awesome.

Imagine that you're sitting at Thanksgiving dinner with your children, grandchildren, step-children, whatever and you have to shit. Now you're really enjoying your food, and there are little bastards running around grabbing up all the good food before you can get any on your plate, so you don't want to risk getting up to go make room for more food (since there may not be any left when you get back, you move slowly). So what do you do? Drop a big steamy load right in your pants... niiiiiiice. Now yes, if you are aware that you are doing this and your family knows that you are aware of what is going on, that would be bad and embarrassing for everyone involved. But what if you had already convinced your entire family that you were going senile, nobody would think twice. "Oh grandpa, if only you knew that you just dropped a chocolatey treat in your pants", "mommy, grandpa smells like the candy that comes out of sparky's bottom", "We want candy grandpa!"

Now you can laugh on the inside while your whole family has to stop eating and clean you up. This would also work well if you have grand daughters in high school/college. Get them to bring over their hot little friends and you can make all the rude comments you want and nobody would think anything of it, it's genius. But that's not the purpose of this, lets get back to suicide.

Suicide is always pretty gruesome and sad, unless you're a pussy and just take a bunch of pills. If you're gonna go out you might as well push your body to the limits right? See if you can fly, that would be a much cooler way to go out than going to fucking sleep. So I was thinking about ways that I would commit suicide and I realized that I wouldn't want it to look like a suicide. I say that for a couple reasons, 1. I believe if you commit suicide your family members don't get the life insurance pay off... insurance fraud FTW (what do you care, you're dead anyways). And the other reason is I'd want to be remembered and people that commit suicide aren't remembered in the greatest light, however if you're murdered mysteriously, people will talk about you forever... and then once they find out the truth, you'll be a legend.

So what I would do is find the most random crap and fill my pockets with it; a condom full of cottage cheese, a can opener, a memory card from a digital camera, a Nolan Ryan rookie card, a handful of hair from the floor of a barber shop and 2 packets of BBQ Sauce from McDonalds. On the memory card would be pictures of me falling off of a building, but not really, they would be photoshops of me falling. I would then climb to the top of a building and sprinkle some of the hair around so it looked like more than one person was up there... find a coat in the garbage and plant it as well, maybe a bullet casing or two and a copy of The Matrix on VHS. Then I would go down to the bottom of the building, take a shit load of pills, put some BBQ sauce on my face and lay down and goto sleep.

Cops would come and rope off the scene, thinking that I jumped from the building, but when they ask witnesses around they are going to tell them that nobody jumped off the building and that I just fell asleep, but the cops aren't going to believe them once they find the pictures on the memory card in my pocket, which will really blow their minds. Then they will go up to the rooftop for further investigation and find DNA from like 15 dudes and bullet casings next to a copy of The Matrix on VHS. They will be so confused by all of this that it will go down as the greatest death in history, but little do they know the clues are in the presentation. If they are smart enough to track down a VHS player and pop in the copy of The Matrix on VHS, they will discover hidden clues within the movie in the form of video clips I had recorded earlier of a scuffle on the rooftop between me and an unidentified man in a clown costume, but I will have played the parts of both me and the clown in the video. Now the cops think they are looking for a clown with a gun, but little do they know if they would go back to my house and use the can opener on a can of Spaghetti-O's that were left on the counter, they would find a list titled "Enemies" and on it would be the names of the seven dwarves, all crossed out, and then "Clown" at the bottom with a star next to it, not crossed out... And in my closet they would find a clown costume covered in BBQ Sauce, but the mask is missing.... WHERE IS THE MASK!!!

And that's it... it would confuse the hell out of the cops and the CSI guys that there's no way it would ever be solved. It would go down as the most bizarre murder ever and nobody that ever worked on the case would forget me, I would be forever listed as an "Unsolved Mystery" and if they ever brought that show back, I would make for the greatest season finale ever. And if the cops did figure out my elaborate scheme somehow then I would go down as a legend..... or a mentally deranged lunatic, but either way i'd be remembered, forever!